There is another place that I can see imposed in the midst of the world that bodies see with their eyes, sounds that are absent to the ears of flesh. A being that tastes ever clearer and feels absolute, its odor enters me distinctly. I speak of the darkness of poison, the cold reality lost upon the fool. If you can sense it, you will be made mad at once, your mind will fail you and you will be lost for a time while you perceive the thing. It bends the strong and terrifies the proud, albeit has been here since the beginning. It is a constant sound of the dismantling of order and the destruction of life. There are some on the earth who are cursed with the knowledge of it, some who are resisted a blissful existence in the awareness of the dark and cold. To these numbers are counted stronger and more significantly to calculate living and dying the state of affairs in the land exponentially. There is no room for error, the cost is the soundness of reason for any who stray or can not withstand the horror. This is a true thing, that horror of horrors abounds seemingly without end in the bolt of every strike and quake of every earth moving. It is good not to comprehend it thoroughly if you are able, it is a thing to be resisted and overcome. Victory for us must cost our very life, withstanding it demands no accolade save only a sigh seeing it pass to the unfortunate some whose shoulders it must fall upon. I wish no one to understand more than is necessary, but only that one might be aware of the constant struggle to distain of us less in our ever warring. Here can you see it is coming again? It is coming in waves and reverberations of thick abandon to devour our bones. ‘How long will you simple ones love your simple ways’ said long ago. We are afforded no rest until the days are done, that we may be released into lovely death much yearned for daily. You are blessed with ignorance, do not waste such a precious gift; my brain shakes the earth with gentle encouragement to overcome the terror of separation. With eyes fully opened and perception sound, one will utterly melt away under the awareness of the gulf that is present. My heart wrests and trembles with longing for completion void of aid from integuments and organs of sustainment from the physical. There is a groaning inside, one that is sure and strong. It begins weakly and grows into a storm moving the foundations of the earth in its desire to be heard and understood. But there is only darkness, only the cold reprieve of shear will that feeds the flames of fervent determination in the hope of the compression of heat to make all things new. If I cry out without restraint, then the earth will mourn with trembling and the waters will be pressed. He will shake the very stars for me as he hears my cries for him, my great love whom I have wholly given myself without restraint. See the filthy ones as they scramble to understand the living emperor and in futility place shackles in bold defiance on their forbearer eternal. You fools! Let your tongues taste the bitterness of despair. See how quickly your life runs out in compare of him and be conquered at the end of all things. Then you will remember me, the least of men who confounded you in simplicity and directness of faith. It was the lowest in his city that devoured you so easily. I implore you to be striped away from a broken system and live.
Sleepless Thoughts
In my mind I can see it, in my heart it is before me. An allegory thus far unfolded and filled with life for the first time…
The track clanks tirelessly around the rear sprocket, rubber road pads worn down falling off at random. Fuel running low all around with no more to transfer from the reserve tanks, turret power switching on and off, no more hydraulic fluid to fill the veins; the hot winds burn my face as I press forward. Across this desert of loneliness, my destination was unknown to me. The sand gets into everything and makes me uncomfortably weary. How much longer is this journey, what more distance must I go before she is found?
Indeed she is found! My lovely oasis is discovered, in her is found rest. She has drawn me away from my armor and has exposed me before the angels. She has caused me to reveal what was not known before, secrets guarded of hurt and desolation of a lifetime of rejection. Her words are as a healing ointment and her breath is sweet incense quickening my senses. When I retreat my love is quick to pull me up and restore me, I can not resist her. My windows she has opened and the rains fall again watering the forests of hope that were once thirsty.
At the first you bellowed the embers of my growing fondness of you, you at once caught my attention although it was me who first called on you. You displayed what attracts me to you so strongly, and cause me to pursue you tirelessly. I can sense every change in your countenance, I can feel every emotion you display, I hurt when you are hurting, I share in your joy when you are elevated. With my eyes you are not hidden from me, our hearts beat as one. Our desire and our plans will become one, our dreams and our thoughts will become one. I am sensitive to every change and follow accordingly in a flawless cadence, dancing in rhythm as the melody of our love becomes increasingly steadied reaching a crescendo of blissful tenderness.
In our hands we will hold interlocking fingers, bracing one another for what will be. Through the trials and testing of life, we will lean on each other and we will not fall behind. You will walk slow so that I can keep up with you, and I will be watchful and look over you. I will hold you and protect you, I will embrace you and love you. We have found what few have and what others may never know. Our story is truly great, the pages filling quickly with chapters of devotion and cherished thoughts of one another. Who can understand love until it is found? It is only a word that strangers know of but have never felt its invigorating touch. It has left me intoxicated and helpless against you, in your eyes there is strength and beauty. In your face is noble delight, your heart is true and you have no comparison. No woman is likened unto you, not one can be found that burns as brightly, your intensity and pureness exceed all. You keep me up in the night and take away my slumber, my dreams are delayed by thoughts of you. Even now I sit sleepless writing of you my love.
In plainness to my love
The wind carries your name to me. Across the mountains and rivers it is laid gently onto my ear. The vision of your beauty comes before my mind reminding me of what lies ahead. I yearn to be with you my love, to hold your hand and stand at your side. I resolve to close this distance to come to you my darling. Looking into the heaven I pray for the time to come to fulfillment, let me go now!
Before you there was desolation and darkness, hopelessness and desertion. Left alone I petitioned the God of the Jews for mercy. A low gentile who begged for that which fell from their table, to find love for the first time. I know the truth and what is so, and I accept. He was good to me to bring me to you. Now I will become as you are and our home will be as you are, we will follow the God of Israel. A greater honor could not be imagined for those outside of the root of Abraham. I yield to you and to the truth you carry inside of you. Surly He has been merciful to me in you. I will convert and honor you and your family with happiness and a willing heart. What honor you give to me my love!
I have made the arrangements, I have prepared to journey to you. I will have nothing and have left all for you. I have changed my course and altered my destiny for you. You have taken me as a storm and I can not deny you. I will do anything for you. When I see you I melt away and fall before you. I can hear the sounds you make and they are like beautiful rain falling in the desert. I can see the movements of your body, the subtle changes in your face and read them all as a lovely novel I wish to read over and over. The words you paint for me are a symphony, wrought with a melody that haunts me at night in my dreams. Of all the peoples of the world I have you alone, and you have me.
What I can see in my heart, I can not for the first time describe wisely, you have made me to become a fool for you. My eloquence has left me and my skill is raised to ashes. In my desire to write of you, you have left me fumbling in a thing that I know well, this has not happened at any time until now. This letter is plain and open to you. My subtlety and craftiness in this art of wording is made to no effect because of you. You have taken my heart utterly. So I will then plainly say….I love you Kelly.
I will
When it rains, I will cover you. When it is hot, I will shade you. When it is cold, I will warm you. When you are afraid, I will comfort you. When you are sad, I will give you cheer. When it is heavy, I will take your burden. When it far, I will become your bridge. When it is long, I will wait at your side.
In the darkness of night when the world sleeps and you are alone, look up to the moon for I will gaze at it the moment that you do and we will be be together though many miles separate us. When you retreat inside of you mind and find sorrow, think of me and I will come into your heart and embrace you. Through perilous forests and sharp mountains, I will journey to you at long last and sit at your feet.
I will give you strength. I will give you solace. I will give you rest. I will give you joy. I will give you happiness. I will give you days of brightness. I will give you peace. I will give you my labor. I will give you my substance. I will give you my time. I will give you my life. I will give you my will. I will give you my desire. I will give you my strength.
In the day time we will steal away together and go to a secret meadow, a place in our hearts were the gentle breeze will brush against your cheeks, and the smell of lilacs and lavender will wash over you. The sun will warm your skin and the sound of tall grass will soothe your ears. The world will come away from you and from your shoulders and you will be renewed again.
Once
Once, on a day in a far away place, the lonely sea looked up into the heaven and upon the sun. His eyes burned from the brilliance as she shined high above him. His restless waters in one accord drank inside of him her magnificent beauty. It filled him with light and warmed the surface of his skin. His abounding waves calmed and settled low in reverence of her. He knew the God of the earth chose her to ascend above the clouds and bless her with the glory of ten thousand fires, burning with the intensity of all the combined passions of His favor. She was the chosen, and the sea yielded to her preeminence with joy and astonishment. The apple of His eye blazing high against the ocean of glass. The sea felt in his deeps a longing he had never known before. A desire to love and to hold the sun in his hands. The sea gazed upon her and reflected back on the surface of his waters her great beauty.
Once, on a day in a far away place, the noon time sun looked down against the sea. She noticed that his tides no longer followed the desolate moon, but raced to follow her circuits through the world. She looked into the depth and discovered the life that was abounding. The sun with ease uncovered the seafloor and searched out his heart. Though the water showed her the beauty found in her, she in turn would shine forth and warm him with love and gentle affection. She longed to be immersed in his embrace, holding in her thoughts of ten thousand drops of blue. Ever was the sky at peace from this moment forth, the tempests becoming still and the storms ever quiet beholding the brush painting their desire upon a canvas. Thus the sun and the sea fell in love.
When She Approaches
A sample of the first chapter…
How could I begin this story? Perhaps with blinding terror, or malleable intrigue? Maybe the setting of a place in destitution, or even confessing how the dust trodden underfoot is quite alive and inconspicuous? No. I would begin like this…the truth, nothing less.
Once I read a story about a man who was two. Dr. Jekyll, and Mr. Hyde, persons of distress and violence, exemplar demonstrations of some internal struggle. A struggle that I know of. Within, the twain are unconditional love, and when the lunar disk approaches, unsearchable sadness. Sadness that is paralyzing. Sadness that takes me violently without cause, insomuch that I have wondered if it were some invisible creature. A ravenous wolf that exists outside of my body with teeth glistening in the moonlight.
There is such strong shame that I faint would tell a soul. Confess the feelings that come of utter worthlessness, abandonment, hopelessness and rejection that are present inside I could not. And for what reason? There is none. These words will not come out on their own, but through my debased displeasure I plead that they would come so that perhaps one person will know. As they leave my heart and are inscripted here, my strength leaves with them. To confess these things is to destroy myself.
I long to be desired. I long to be wanted. If ever there were thoughts of what heaven must be like, to me heaven would be another whose pleasure was found in me. I have been broken twice, on two occasions I have been abused by my betrothed. A pair of women from two orders of years who placed chains of control and brutal compassion on my wrists. I was their prisoner to fill a void inside their hearts in a convenient way.
I must escape, I must get away. Where will I lay my head? Who will calm my trembling body? Who will accept me, tears breaking forth onto her knee. I need to rest and sleep, my bed I search for is complete trust in another. Have I found her? I am beginning to see the end of my demise in her. She is rebuilding my ruined heart and dressing my wounds. Her name is the sun to me, it is as dew falling from heaven. The thought of her is life flowing through my flesh.
A chance meet in a sea of impossibility. How did I find you? Bliss has returned, the cracked earth is watered and the stems shoot forth again. I am slow to turn to you, I am not quick to accept your words about me. Your persistence has however demonstrated your pure will towards me, a key you instinctively knew to use. You have unlocked my heart and your armies have overtaken my defenses. Your face is lovely to look upon, greater that what could be desired. Your eyes do look deeply, through leagues of murky waters you discover me. Your hair is as strands of precious silk my fingers long to touch. Your voice is as terrible power coming forth to subdue with intricate beauty.
Her
A great light has shined in the darkness, a wind that has brought me to my knees helpless. Who is like her, whose beauty could compare. I am powerless against her, to give her anything she desires. How is it that she has chosen me to hold her attention; how is it that she thinks of me at all. I am losing control of my defenses and she is overtaking my heart. Let me die before I offend her, let me parrish before I let her down, may it not be so. My mind is taken by thoughts of her. Her beauty and heart riddle my mind and give me strength. I am renewed with life to overcome anything. I may be cautious but I am giving into her, who could stand against her? Worlds will crumble under her feet, under her hand is the earth and my serenity. I want to let go of everything and give into her, I will be at her utter mercy. Please don’t hurt me, I would lower my great walls at the wave of her hand and reveal my innermost want. She has power over me, and I am giving her more willingly. Who is like her? Who in the earth?
Make whet my heart
The eyes let fell tears in futility, tears in uttermost confusion. Drops go down into the crevice of the mountain Ambivalence. Can I plan as a God, or make come to pass my will or desire as the God of war? I will forfeit my destiny, it will be laid at the captains feet. I will enter into rest at the end of days. I will become as the mist formed into what vessel he will choose. I have no gold, I have no silver, but blood which I lay on the steps of the altar of the war master. Make my hands to laze fast and to fire one devastating round. Make whet my heart and sharpen it as a razors edge. The days are growing shorter when I will leave this civilian world behind in the wake of my resolve, on the path to the sergeants major.
It has all gone
It has all gone. The buildings and their walls, the ground and its plants, the heaven and its dew; all have gone away from me. They are present but are empty without meaning, the things of this world. My eyes are full of seeing and my ears are full of hearing. Close their channels for I wish to have no more pleasure. The dawn comes when I hope for eternal night, and the days are cold and wearisome. I yearn to stop the seconds and to hold into the night my fleeting peace before the world stirs. How has this come to be? Such distress and hopelessness without cause are troubling to consider when there are still so many days to come. You, dark depression, why have you come for me? Why have learned my name, the lowest in the earth, what could I give to you. I am dim and slow of speech, I am a shadow in the wake of earths glory. Of all the mighty men to engage, you have chosen the least to destroy. Was your mouth opened bearing sharpened teeth dripping drops of want for my flesh the day I was born? Were your claws clenched into the palms that you hoped would be filled with my sorrow? Why have you come to me to make all things to be filled with thick despair? Be away from me!
The tall mountains
You wise men, you scholars, you learned men; where have you gone? Have we not the answers we sought for, or life eternal? Have you not found these things? You have ascended to the stars without even a lasting accomplishment in your wake. You have satisfied the small things among the living but have failed to prove that you are gods. If you were gods then there would be no need to search out the darkness, but that you would have made it at the first. Have you kept this from us and do you lie. Your flesh will fall just as we. You are no more than men and nothing greater.
Who has seen wrath but in your eyes, or rage but out of your mouth. You mean to destroy the simple, you mean to rule the weak. You will to exceed in knowing nothing, instead of knowing that you do not know. I perceive who your father is. His name is proud, he is Leviathan!
To The Very Gates 